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[personal profile] startiger
OK, so first things first: I am NOT a believer. BUT.

Concealed within this goofy song is something very astute about love.




I'm a Believer - lyrics

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Oh, love was out to get me
That's the way it seems
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(uuuuuu)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried

I thought love was more or less a giving thing
The more I gave the less I got,

What's the use of trying
All you get is pain

When I wanted sunshine I got rain

Then I saw her face,
Now i'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(uuuuuu)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried

Oh, love was out to get me
That's the way it seems
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

Then I saw her face
Now I'm a believer.
Not a trace
Of doubt in my mind.
I'm in love
(uuuuuu)
I'm a believer, I couldn't leave her
if I tried

I'm a believer
----------------

There's no use in trying to make yourself find something as whimsical as love. Love isn't something you can MAKE yourself do. It happens, or it doesn't. I've had it happen before, and when it happened, I was a believer. HOWEVER, I've never been lucky enough to have that "I love you, you love me, we're best friends like friends should be" thing happen like in "Barney in Friends" all in one time/space coordinate. (I've crushed on people who didn't like me, been crushed on by people I wasn't that into, and even flipped back and forth with people over the course of friendships.) And worse than any of that, I HAVE "loved" people, mutually, but it's Still For Whatever Reason Not the Sort of Thing where I can sacrifice my basic freedom to say "OK, I'm going to be glued to you like Raggedy Ann and Andy the rest of my life."

If there's anything I learned from my first crazy Indian boyfriend during freshman year of college, it's this: Muje tumse pyaar hai. "Where I am with you, there love is." In India, Love's not something you DO, in this very English-language style, I'm faux Jesus here to commit to you whether I like you or not and nail myself to a cross for you sort of way. Love, in the romantic sense--the sense that "OMG, I want to spend the rest of my life with you", is not a verb. Sure love becomes a verb sometimes later on, when things get hard, and when it's not easy to stay on. That's crucial. BUT. I think when it comes to romantic relationships, you NEED TO HAVE THAT OOOMPH at the beginning. Otherwise you're NOT going to be able to nail yourself to the cross for someone and stay with them when things get rough. And even if you do, you won't REALLY BE there for them. You're somewhere else. And when we meet the Guy/Girl/It-Thing(s) that makes us say "I'm a believer" we'll have to kill a little piece of our soul to stay with the one we Decided to Make Ourselves Love.

After all, we're not all Jesus. We're human beings and our divinity is limited. So my advice, from observing friends and myself, is don't force yourself to love someone because you are Lonely or even because you really really care about that person and want to make them happy. My advice: Call it love or call it quits. Sure maybe you'll be lonely longer, maybe theoretically your whole life, but that still small part of you will be happier chasing butterflies than dedicating yourself to something that your Whole Heart is Not In (or yet in, I'm not saying that relationships can't change and evolve, coz they can).

Some people, maybe frankly, were designed to Chase Butterflies/Rainbows, etc. This might be me and this might summarize some of my best friends. I am not quite sure why this is. But if a rainbow chaser ever finds their pot of gold, and gets it, they aren't going to be able to leave. And I think there's some beauty there. 

(Now, granted, you might not be able to explain to anyone what that Rainbow is, but you DO catch glimpses of it, and when you see it you know it.  Also granted is this, that I suspect that the Pot Of Gold might be impossible to get, just like the Rainbow is impossible to catch in a bottle. You can't find the end of the rainbow. It's always on the horizon.)

BUT.

If all you want is the pot at the end of the rainbow, you're not going to be satisfied by a coin here or a flower there. You want IT. The grail. That.

And if you have a soul like that, gosh darn it, there is no going back. You're after IT.

So my suggestion to Rainbow Chasers is this: find someone to chase the Rainbow WITH. Someone who is on the same journey as you. Someone looking for THAT SAME RAINBOW.

When you see the rainbow, or your friend sees the rainbow, you'll see it reflected in your fellow Rainbow Chaser's eyes. And you won't be able to hold onto that moment forever, but you'll remember it. And it will mean a lot.

Man. I didn't even intend to close that way. About finding a fellow rainbow chaser. This kind of makes me disgusted with myself, because I'm done with love entirely and all that Jazz. But.

My advice: Don't settle for someone who isn't a rainbow chaser, or even for someone who is chasing a different rainbow.

And most of all, don't EVER, EVER chide yourself for chasing rainbows.

AND NEVER, EVER, FOR ANY AMOUNT OF SUPPOSED LOVE, MONEY, OR VALUE, EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER BIND YOURSELF TO SOMEONE WHO TELLS YOU TO STOP CHASING  THEM.


It's not going to feed your soul and you will become bitter and cynical.


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startiger

July 2015

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